Letting Go of Control: What an Ancient Chinese Philosopher Can Teach Us About School Transitions

As parents, we want to feel in control. Especially when big changes are on the horizon - like the move into primary or secondary school.

We make spreadsheets. We research uniform costs and bus routes. We ask ourselves questions like: Will they be in a nice class? Will they make nice friends? Will they keep up academically?

As parents it is incredibly hard to hand over your child to a school all day. We want control. It’s entirely natural. But what if I told you that trying to control everything might not be the answer?

Enter Zhuangzi – the ancient philosopher

Zhuangzi lived over 2,000 years ago in China. He’s known for asking strange questions like:

Am I a man dreaming I’m a butterfly… or a butterfly dreaming I’m a man?

At first glance, he sounds like the last person you’d go to for thoughts on the local school.

But stay with me - because Zhuangzi has a message that might be helpful:

Stop trying to control the uncontrollable.

Why this matters for school transitions…

Your child is entering a world you can’t fully manage:

• Different teachers

• New friendship groups you won’t be part of

• A timetable you don’t control

• Homework you won’t always understand

And yet — this is exactly the kind of experience Zhuangzi would encourage. Not because it’s easy. But because it’s real.

What Zhuangzi teaches us:

1. The world is always changing — and that’s OK

Zhuangzi believed life is in constant flux. Trying to fix everything in place only causes stress. Schools are constantly shifting communities of humans - not static things. Sometimes it will be great, other times you will not be so happy. This is perfectly normal. There will be ups and downs and many changes during your child’s time at the school. Ofsted might shift the grade, the head may leave, your child’s best friend may relocate.

As a parent: Rather than trying to lock down every variable, focus on helping your child adapt. Ask questions like:

• What could you try if that doesn't go to plan?

• How might you respond if that happens?

2. Your child is not a finished product

Zhuangzi rejected the idea of a fixed self. Instead, he believed we’re always becoming through our actions and relationships. This reminds me a lot of Carol Dweck’s work on Growth Mindset - you can read my explainer here.

As a parent: Be cautious about labelling your child (they’re shy or they’re not good at maths etc). They’re about to grow in ways you can’t predict. As a teacher, I can say with confidence that your child will also be different in school to how they are at home. This is completely normal - humans are social creatures and we are very good at adapting to fit in with societies. We do it as adults (think how you are with your boss, your friends and your distant relatives - you are likely to be a different version of yourself in each space.

3. Spontaneity matters more than perfection

Zhuangzi loved the idea of flow - trusting instinct and responding in the moment rather than over-planning. 

As a parent: You don’t need to ‘win’ every scenario. Sometimes just being present, calm and curious is enough. All of the ups and downs are great learning and development opportunities if approached the right way.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up

This isn’t about stepping back completely. It’s about being flexible, open, and responsive.

When your child sees you adapting to the challenges and opportunities of the new school, they learn to adapt too. Rather than trying to ‘fix’ everything for them it might be more effective for everyone to work through the ever changing challenges and opportunities of schools.

In a world that’s constantly shifting - this might be the most powerful lesson they learn at school.

One last Zhuangzi thought…

Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness.

Maybe your job isn’t to make your child’s transition perfect - but to walk alongside them, step by step, through the imperfect. There is no ‘perfect’ when it comes to schools - humans are too diverse and complex for that.